My friend St Peter seems to be doing a reasonable job at the Pearly Gates

Letter from Hiram Abiff

Dear W Bro Damien

My friend St Peter seems to be doing a reasonable job at the Pearly Gates. We thought at first that he would only let his mates in but now he is admitting those of that new religion that you have down there and so he should. I knew that there would be problems when Tubalcain lit those fires on the plain of Jordan to cast his pillars. Some thought that I was jealous of his skill but you could see that it had the potential to destroy matter as we know it and possibly the world.

Some asked about the effect of the eruptions of Mount Vesuvius on the environment but that is ridiculous because it was an act of God. We had the problem of our Sephardic brethren lighting fires for cooking and that seemed the problem. They should have been taxed for this a long time ago and we certainly could have used the revenue because the production at King Solomon’s mines was not enough to fund the King’s infrastructure ambitions.

I know the April is the month of your mourning over losses at Gallipoli in 1915. We have those here who are said to have come from the bottom of the garden wherever that is. They say that if there had not been so many deniers and sceptics in 5600 BC and a carbon tax imposed on the lighting of campfires, the waters of the Dardanelles would not have risen the 100 or so feet in the strait. An amphibious landing would not have been needed in 1915. If you do not agree they say you must be a sceptic or denier in this new religion of theirs. However, Freemasons are a generous lot and you should not be excluded.

With fraternal regards

Hiram Abiff

Heavenly Mansions