Raising Worthy Citizens
As I write this it is my youngest
granddaughter Fiona’s 16th birthday, the flautist and piper at my late wife’s
funeral. It only seems yesterday when
she was born. My focus is on my
successors, especially my grandchildren, and hopefully they will be worthy
citizens. I have eleven of them: seven
grandsons and four granddaughters: I write with some experience. We have so little time with them during their
formative years.
To this end I recall two well know
sayings or proverbs. The first which is
attributed to African cultures is “It takes a village to raise a child”, that
is, a child has the best ability to become a healthy well balanced adult if the
entire community takes and active role in rearing the child, including
grandfathers like me. The second is the
saying attributed to Aristotle, although the Jesuits have a claim, that “Give
me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man”. The first offers a group approach and the
second an individual, therefore one need to ask whether they are in conflict or
complementary: I would like to think that they are mutually supportive with the
individual seeing the need for the support of others.
I am forever amazed at how perceptive
young children are in appreciating the political dynamics in their families,
the weaknesses and strengths in their parents and their search for knowledge,
values and direction. They search for
role-models and if they are not offered by their parents they will usually look
elsewhere hence the village approach.
Their “village” in a traditional family will include their aunts and
uncles, sisters, brothers, cousins, nieces, nephews and their connections. Possibly their grandparents too will have a
unique role, “blood being thicker than water” referring to kin relationships,
in caring but not usually being involved in the day-to-day role of child
care. Hopefully they will see how
conflict resolution takes place without the need for anger and aggression; how
men should treat women and women treat their men. How values and principles, which hopefully
embrace the Judeo-Christian culture which has been the foundation of our
society, should negate the need for rules and authority and become the guiding
principles for their lives – these are the things that a parent should teach
and inculcate rather than “the village”.
“The village”, beginning from the
traditional extended family, provides the best environment for the
socialisation of the child. For this to
occur, the child needs to feel safe and have trust in those around him or
her. Some need it more than others. Some may have a medical disability. The child will learn what has or should be
done or not done to be accepted in that society. It must be a society where its members share
the common values and principles that have been absorbed by the child.
For all this to work parents and other
adults must be able to “engage” with the child from their earliest years, that
is to get on the same “wave length” as the child and win their trust and
confidence. It has to be done
face-to-face: TEXT messages will not work and phone calls are not much
better. It is all sounds pretty easy,
really, but if it is not done properly during a child’s formative years the
results can be disastrous for both the child and society as a whole. We see it when children as they grow, become
radicalised, and are misfits in our society.
Grandfathers like me have a role but the main responsibility to raise
worthy citizens rests with the child’s parents who should recognise the role of
“the village”.
This is partly a confession. Believe me I have made some serious mistakes:
for example, not cutting losses sufficiently early and making life look all too
easy. However, it is easier to do it
properly in the little time available during the formative years than to live
with the consequences of a poor effort.
Yours fraternally,
Don